if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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