Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Too much gin, very little bucket
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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