i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
