you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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