how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
