The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
