Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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