I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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