Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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