i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Randomize
