The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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