Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
