i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
