so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
