like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
