I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
