i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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