I'm eating all of the evidence.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
