my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
