We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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