If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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