Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
