I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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