She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
