Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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