Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
