im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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