I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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