News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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