i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
