i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
