i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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