SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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