Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
