dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
