Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
