turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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