I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I wish there were birth control emojis
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
