I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
