Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
