I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
