i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
