Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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