he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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