I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
