Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
