does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
