That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
