My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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