actually, I'm a sock model
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
