I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
