Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
